I seriously feel like the crappiest parent in the world today. I got frustrated with Max because I couldn’t understand what he was saying. Of course, his frustration built as well and he began crying. He was pointing at the sky and mumbled something that I couldn’t understand at all. I began calling off the things that were in the sky – the clouds, the fog, the sun, the trees, the electric poles, etc. As I said each word, he kept shaking his head no and mumbling this ONE word again and again.
I had no clue. By this time he wasn’t listening to me anymore because my tone started to escalate, as well as my frustration. I said (it was probably more of a scream actually, but I already feel horrible), “What is it Max? This is why you need your talker, or to fingerspell (signing the alphabet). I can’t understand what you are saying. I understand that you can’t talk, and it’s frustrating to you, but it’s frustrating to me because I can’t understand you!”
Ugh. I seriously feel like crap.
Through his tears he finally managed to sign the letters for his word – P-O-L-E. Pole? Pole? I said electric pole! Then I said, “What about the pole Max?” He then spit out a sentence I understood, “The poles carry electricity from town to town.” I’m thinking in my head… this fight over that one sentence…. that one simple sentence. I confirmed with him and told him that the poles carry other things too, like cable and telephone wires as well. He shook his head in agreement and the car went silent. Both of our frustration levels were calming down, but I felt like sh!t by this time. Seriously, like the worst parent ever!
God did not bless me with patience, but he did bless me with a kid that needs all the patience in the world. God, please help me.
I apologized to Max for the fight and getting frustrated. I told him that it wasn’t his fault and I can’t begin to understand how frustrating it is for him to not be able to communicate with the world, let alone his mother (ugh, did I tell you I feel like crap about this?). He shook his head like he understood, gave me a big hug and walked off to day-camp for a day of fun. Now I just want him back home so I can spoil him for being such a horrible parent.
When they say that parenthood doesn’t come with a roadmap, they weren’t kidding, but what they forgot to tell you is that your conscience doesn’t let you forget when you F things up.